We are having the first rain in over 200 days in Las Vegas–with light but steady drops falling for the past hour, unlike the hot and heavy downpours in Tallahassee every 20 minutes–yet there is still a cleansing happening here. Sitting on the covered porch swing this morning, enjoying nature’s show, I was struck by a surprisingly strong crying burst. 

Sometimes hard morning crying is reminiscent of my long-ago bedtime pillow screams, (Macey tells me she heard me back then…of course she heard me!) which makes it pretty clear that as much as I avoid grief groups and counseling, I could probably still use them.

“…it became clear that a redirect is what’s called for, away from the pain of the unknown or unresolved.”

lisa the lossent

My study of universal laws, the law of attraction and quantum physics all dictate that because I’ve been thinking about ‘lossent’ pain so much lately, I’m experiencing it. True, yet this morning was a powerful release. 

And what a great lightbulb moment!  As my crying slowed, a smile formed and it became clear that a redirect is what’s called for, away from the pain of the unknown or unresolved.

My focus on grieving, or unresolved grief (drop the word parental in there), has brought many things to the surface. Mostly stagnant fear about my ability to earn a living, doubt in my ability to effectuate the life I envision for myself, and the ever-present imposter syndrome that I could ever bring value to others (despite a record of proof.) 

Was it something during the decade of caring for her that caused me to have such erroneous thoughts? Was it because she died? Like that was my fault? Rationally I know it was not, but that’s the sneaky power of the brain and false beliefs.

By intentionally shifting focus and tapping into any of the spiritually comforting or psychological regulating tools, philosophies and practices that I’ve learned, I can let the tears flow and still have some control over my emotions. With this shift in mindset, thinking about losses can make me feel better instead of miserable. Immediately.

My writing is rambling a little bit, but sometimes it’s OK to ramble a little bit! Especially when I know it has the power to clear the mind of thoughts and guide us in the right direction when we’re feeling a bit off course. 

What else do I know? 

• I know I need to lead the creation of a grief community for lossents.
• I know how important it is to reach out, connect, and bring calm and hope to other lossents by sharing and writing about our same-but-different experiences, despite my (unfounded) fears.
• I know it is absolutely possible to redirect, regulate, and shift to a smile fairly quickly. 
• I know that the people and possibilities will align beautifully to bring my vision together.

Part of my vision is to build my earnings without adding increased stress to my days, so I’ve been walking through my fears and marketing my clutter clearing services locally (because I love doing that work!) Lo and behold, I’m receiving calls. I write all of this as I’m planning to go to a new client’s house in another few hours.

They will surely see my post-tears puffy eyes, but (whether I share my personal stuff with them or not) I will stay on the path, show up, be present, and serve them to the best of my ability.

What I will not do is stay stuck by acting from a place of sadness or discomfort or fear and call to cancel because I’m experiencing some hard, visible emotions. If I’ve learned anything from losing a child it’s that raining and crying will happen and you’ve got to just move through each and every part of it, no matter the weather!