Creating a Word

When my daughter, Amy, was diagnosed with leukemia in 1999 I was numb and unprepared for the wild ride that was to come. She received modern medical treatment for eight years.

Grief is not an emotion; it is an unexplainable state…

When she died it was beyond excrutiating. To make it even worse, I was enraged that there was not a word to describe this pain! So I created one.

Thankfully, the availability of the internet allowed me to do some research into word creation (etymology) and I put together a word that was useful and obvious enough to define this horrific feeling. Like the single-word simplicity of widow or orphan, lossent overly generalizes a life experience, while clearly, gently, letting others know what you’ve been through. And it comforted me. It was mine. It was my private word for my private pain.

And I kept it to myself for over a decade.

I never considered publicly sharing this word. But then, around the 16th anniversary of Amy’s death, I suddenly knew it was time to share it with others after I felt her energy repeatedly asking me, “What are you waiting for?”

Grief is not an emotion; it is an unexplainable state wherein you can find yourself stuck. For the past few decades I’ve been living and healing, seemingly fine and flourishing on the outside, while feeling mostly wrecked inside. Releasing this word is just another step in my healing journey, and I’m grateful to peel another layer of pain away to reveal the well-being beneath.

Namaste.